Santa With Muscles
Dir: John Murlowski
1996
*
Santa with Muscles is about as Christmassy as....Easter. It's not just a truly awful Christmas film but a truly awful film in general. It makes no sense what so ever and seems to have been written by a five year old (no offence intended to five year olds). Hulk Hogan plays a multi-millionaire who has a penchant for paintballing. Ignoring the fact that paintballing isn't illegal, Hogan is chased by the police anyway and ends up driving his car into a shopping mall and bangs his head in the process. Suffering from movie amnesia, Hogan is mistaken as the mall's Santa (we're told it's Christmas time even though it is clearly the middle of a rather hot summer) and plays the role thinking that he might just be jolly St. Nick. He then goes on to save an orphanage from a mad-scientist who wants to knock it down in order to access the magic crystals that lay beneath it. It makes Suburban Commando look like a masterpiece. I don't think I really need to tell you to avoid it but just remember, I've watched this rubbish so you don't have to! You're welcome. Merry bloody Christmas.