Hercules

Dir: Luigi Cozzi

1983

*****

Known as one of the worst films ever made, Luigi Cozzi's Hercules is a prime example of a cult classic Cannon masterpiece. Lou Ferrigno (The Incredible Hulk himself) throws a bear into outer-space, fights a giant robot centaur, cleans some horse stables by flooding the whole town and all because an ancient jar, adorned with Star Trek-style flashing buttons (think original series), exploded in the cosmos. It is as ridiculous and as incredible as it sounds. The last time Hercules had been on the big screen was back in 1970 when he visited the Big Apple (Hercules in New York AKA Hercules Goes Bananas), Arnold Schwarzenegger played him back then but declined this time round, he was between two popular Conan movies, something Cannon clearly wanted a piece of, after all they were king of the knock-offs way before The Asylum were making money from mockbusters. DVD mockbusters are cheap and easy, classic VHS mockbusters are glorious and stuff of legend. Cozzi's Hercules is their king. The film works because, apart from being the funniest thing you will ever witness, it steals all the best elements from other classic films. The Superman (1978) vibe is strong, with a young Hercules being sent to a childless couple that raise him by parents who look fairly Kryptonian to me. After Hercules has proven his worth by fighting the most mighty of warriors, leaped over the fastest of chariots and thrown a tree into outer space (something for the bear to scratch his back on), he is given his toughest challenge of all. Spring cleaning. He is shown an old horse barn that is said to have been last tidied over one hundred years ago and is told to make it sparkle if he wants to win the tournament. In proper Superman style (when superman tries to save the small town from being washed away by the Colorado river after the Hoover Dam breaks following Lex Luthor's devious plot to engulf the west coast by triggering an earthquake), Hurcules pushes giant rocks into a river and changes its path so that the river passes through the stable, thus cleaning it and giving it a sparkling finish. He could have simply given it a bit of spit and polish and the village down the road wouldn't have been washed away (he didn't even attempt to put the rocks back) but that's old Hurc for you. To be fair he was getting it on with Cassiopeia (played by Ingrid Anderson in some sort of metal swimsuit) who 'drops her veil' for him. The story and ideas are utterly ridiculous and would have been rejected by most film makers/studios but good old Cannon just went with it. It's like a live action looney toons cartoon with cheap Ray Harryhausen style effects, splashes of electric neon paint and fake beards. I love it. There is a scene whereby Hurcules, wanting to make a speedy escape, throws a rock that is chained to a parked Chariot, gets into said Chariot and waits for the rock to then pull the Chariot as if it were a speeding horse. No logic but lots of fun. What Hurcules lacks in plot, performance and general quality, it makes up for in charm, charisma and the fact that no one involved ever thought it ridiculous or that it wouldn't work. It's amazing, one of the few films I would see on the shelf of my local video rental shop and wonder whether it could ever really be as awesome as the cover art suggested, and is was and it still bloody well is.